Blog Goes on Hiatus and Nobody Cares

Friday July 13th, 2012
Written, edited and performed by Lane Fries

A blogger named Lance Freeze recently took a break from what he calls "satirical comedy blogging" for 2 months. A group of his friends were asked about how they felt about his ambitions. Below are some of the responses:

Us: "How do you feel about the hiatus of Lance's blog?"
Friend A: "What's a blog?"
Us: "Blog is short for web log. It's basically an online journal."
Friend A:  Why would anyone want to read anyone's journal?"
Us: "Well you can write about whatever you want"
Friend A: "Wait, who are you?"
Us: " ... "


Us: "How do you feel about Lance's hiatus?"
Friend B: "What did you call me?!"


These brief snippets reveal that people really don't notice or care about a hiatus. Lance's blog is a satirical comedy blog. Satirical comedy means that a person can say whatever they want about whatever they want in an ironic, facetious, condescending tone and nobody is allowed to judge them. Writers of satire usually think they're smarter than everyone else since they notice irony when others do not. In reality, writers of satire are just more irritable than other people and have inferiority complexes. This causes that to write their own thoughts in a round-about manner so that others can pay attention to them and praise them.

For more information on satire, please read anything on this blog and share it with your friends. For more shameless plugs, please visit any word in this paragraph.

Apple's New iPhone (a.k.a. iPhone 5 or 6 or the new iPhone)

After a brief hiatus, the writers of The Daily Fakester are back!

Tuesday May 29th, 2012

Apple to use low resolution screen on new iPhone

After numerous rumors around the web have surfaced about a different screen for the upcoming iPhone, Apple CEO Tim Cook, has released a statement.

"I'd like to dispel rumors upfront about the new iPhone. In the past, Steve Jobs liked to keep things secret, allowing rumors to get out of control. A couple years ago we saw videos of a fake iPhone with a holographic keyboard." He continues "Rather than disappoint our hopeless minions, I'd like to be upfront and say that the new iPhone's screen will not be bigger. It will be the same size. Also, we are decreasing the resolution".

During an interview with Cook about his statement he revealed more information:

Us: So Tim, why decrease screen resolution when your competitors are stepping it up?

Cook: Well, two reasons. 1) People will buy anything we sell as long as we market it like it's unquestionably the best thing ever, and 2) Because we've found that people are just overwhelmed by having millions of pixels on a screen. That's just too many.

Us: Tim, can you tell us how many pixels will be used?

Cook: We're going with a traditional 2x2 format. So that's a total of 4 pixels!

Us: Tim, are you serious?

Cook: Yes, I'm totally serious.

Us: Wow.

Cook: People will have four different blocks on their screen, each block with be a different color for a different app. So all you have to do is memorize which application is which color. Let's say you click on the "Contacts" app. You'll be taken to a list screen with, you guessed it, four blocks, ranging in color. So as long as you have your friends memorized by color, you'll easily be able to call them.

Us: How will things like Photo, video, and web viewing work?

Cook: We at Apple have always found that no matter how limited our products are, people find a way to work with them for some reason. 

Us: Sounds incredible! I cannot wait to experience this myself. Any idea what the cost might be?

Cook: We're ridiculously excited to announce the cost. You're going to be blown away by how low cost this product is. The cost was 98 cents for us to build each phone. So by the time it gets to you, the consumer, you'll be paying only $299.99 for the 4MB version, and $399.99 for the 5MB version.

Us: We're simply stunned. Another innovation from Apple. 

Yes it's true. Apple has done it again. In a mere fifty years we can all expect to have absolutely no personality or thinking capacity at all!

New York Butts Dial 911 on Their Owners

Written by Glen Maximus- May 12th, 2012

If you are a New Yorker with a rear end, then you may need to watch your "back". According to a recent report, police stations in the "Big Apple" received close to 4 million calls from people's backsides in 2010.

Frankie Muniz Carrier of Rare Disease

Frankie Muniz at age 29

Doctors have discovered the opposite of the debilitating disease "Progreria" which makes an individual start to age from infancy. Doctors are calling it "Frankie Muniz Disease" after the child star, Frankie Muniz. Doctor Symbian Belle of Cambridge said "We thought it was fitting to name the disease after Mr. Muniz since some people doubt he will ever age".

Mickey Mouse Shot in Rhode Island Airport

May 9, 2012-Written by Tlaw Yensid

Mickey Mouse was shot and arrested yesterday evening after trying to smuggle gun parts past airport security in Rhode Island.

Mickey was not alone. He was accompanied by two other accomplices: a teddy bear known as "Boris Bad Bear" (a.k.a. B.B.B.), and Mickey's older brother Oswald the Rabbit. Mickey was found carrying a firing pin. Waldo had two .40 caliber magazines and B.B.B had the rest of the parts. They were caught, one after the other, pulling the different components of the gun out of their over sized animated shoes. They attempted to assemble the gun in time to shoot the airport security staff before approaching the metal detectors.

Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale Hated the Avengers

May 11th, 2012-  Written by Muslim Bale

The Avengers opened this past weekend to rave reviews and broke box office records when it raked in $207.1 million. Fans and critics alike have praised the execution of this heavily anticipated film. Roger Ebert even stated in his review "The Avengers has done for me what medication couldn't and now my love life is back on track. Yeah, it was that good and yeah, I am that old." 

However, despite it's critical acclaim there remains at least two individuals who are not impressed. Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale saw The Avengers together opening night and were quite upset.

Microsoft's New Xbox Deal Takes Advantage of Idiots

May 10th, 2012- Written by Tron

D.M.V's worst nightmare.

If it's been your deep-seated desire to look like an idiot in front of your TV, while simultaneously flailing your limbs around in attempt to make a virtual version of yourself kick a virtual soccer ball, than you are in luck. The new Xbox 360 Kinect Bundle will now be sold for a mere $99 along with 24 easy payments of $15.

Microsoft has decided to imitate major phone companies by selling the Xbox 360 for $99 up front, and then requiring the customer to sign up for a 2 year contract costing $15 a month. Our mathematician, Adam Mup,  busted out and dusted off his eighth grade calculator to calculate how much money Microsoft will be grabbing from people who take this deal.

Missing Plane Still Taking on Passengers

Russian Passenger Plane
unaware of what a bad day its about to have.

May 10th, 2012 - Written by Jack Locke

A new Russian-made passenger plane went missing over mountains in western Indonesia while on a demonstration flight for potential buyers. What is more mysterious than the sudden disappearance of this plane is that the passenger count on board continues to rise. 

The Irish Times in their initial report stated that there were 44 passengers on the plane when it vanished. The Herald Sun reported this:

Scientist Discover That Sci-Fi Movies Are Right

Biologists have confirmed finding life on Mars.

Recently, old sets of data from an earlier mission to the planet Mars were reviewed. The biologists studying the data revealed early Wednesday morning that they have indeed confirmed the existence of life on Mars as a result of the revisitation of this data. The interesting part about this, is that it confirms a theory that science fiction movies and TV shows have been trying to support for many years...

Ann Romney's $1k Shirt

Late Sunday night Ann Romney held a press conference to discuss her social faux pas - the $990 shirt that she wore when she appeared on a Television interview.

Ann Romney explains that it has "all been a big misunderstanding" when she says:

Mr.Owl Dies at Age of 72

May 4, 2012- Written By James Cluber

Mr. Owl (most commonly known for his role in Tootsie Pop commercials and..... thats about it) died today at the age of 72. 

Mr. Owl, whose real name is Shabash Owlsomus III, started his career as an entertainer at the age of 30. His first job was on the first Tootsie Pop commercial that aired back in 1970 where a naked boy walked around the forest talking to animals about a sucker. Owlsomus was orginally casted as the second animal that the boy approached in the forest. However, an incident that happened off set led to him recieving the role which he has become famous for today.

Facebook Goes Political

According to our source at the Executive Branch of the White House, the coming Presidential election will be hosted by Facebook rather than the traditional paper ballot.

The Zuck himself with the first lady

Mark Zuckerburg made the official announcement yesterday at a press conference.

New Law Makes Certain Acronyms Illegal

Senator Gerald Ford (R) of Utah passed a law yesterday that makes use of the popular acronym LOL illegal if used incorrectly. He explains the reason he signed off on the law in an interview with the AP "Basically, I'm really tired of getting textual transmissions (text messages) from my daughters that say 'LOL' when I know that they aren't really laughing. It's misleading".

Obama's Actual Birth Place Stirs Controversy

Many remember when Barack Obama's birthplace was called into question. Donald Trump, the real estate tycoon, famously asked to see President Obama's birth certificate as proof that he was born within the borders of the 50 States, and thus, legally able to become the . The truth about Obama's birthplace will shock all but the most savvy observers.

Stereotypes Now "Fair Game" in Florida

50mph+No hands+Ice= This guy

Written by Roger Roger
Saturday May 5th, 2012

If you are Asian or a woman, then you have probably been told that you do not drive very well. If you are black you have probably been expected to have serious basketball skills, a fondness for fried chicken, and a love of rap music. If you are white you have probably been considered to be stuck up, a prude, or (depending on where you live) a red neck. Are you Hispanic? Then you have probably been expected to have a lot of people living under one roof or car and have heard a joke or two about green cards...

Canned Laughter Banned From New Sitcoms

Breaking news:
Another one of Mom's expensive, irreplaceable vases have been broken.


In other news, after many years of protests, canned laughter has now been banned from use on all future sitcoms.

The group leading the protests since The Hank McCune Show first used the gimmick in the 1950s is the VACLFMR (Viewers against canned laughter for moral reasons)...

Titanic 2 to Set Sail in Both the Sea and the Theater

Friday May 4th, 2012
Written by Jack Dawson

This past April 15th marked the 100th year anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. In commemoration of this historical event, Australian Billionaire (yes, Australia has billionaires) Clive Palmer has announced plans of building a modern version of the original Liner. The ship will be built with the exact same dimensions and design with updated technology on board. When asked about the number of life boats that would be on board he laughed and said " I want to keep it as faithful to the original as possible, so don't expect there to be enough life boats for everyone. But not to worry, the ship is going to be more unsinkable than the first one, I promise."...

Mythbusters Myth Busted

Friday May 4th, 2012
The somehow popular Discovery Channel , Mythbusters, may have it's own myth busted. A recent completely unnecessary poll was conducted. 20,000 people who identified themselves as "avid TV watchers" participated...

A Look Back at a Productive Presidency

Written by Jane Doeadeer- Thursday May 3rd, 2012

"I told you I could aim a gun at the president
and not get tackled!"

With election time coming up many have their minds set on who they want to choose as the next president of the United States. We here at Fayke Nooz couldn't care less, but we figure we can use this time to reflect on the president of the united states productivity this past term. Take a look at  these photos of the President's greatest moments...

Study Shows All "Morning People" Addicted to Drugs

An article was published this week in the American Journal of Medicine which studied the causes of the "unrelenting chipper attitude" that some individuals display so annoyingly. The study shows that most of these individuals are known by themselves or their peers as a "morning person".

Dr. Alia Shawkat says "We all really hate the chronic morning person that sits at the desk next to us. I mean, who in their right mind is happy in the morning. It just doesn't make sense". She adds "the morning is absolutely the worst time of the day. It's the time of the day when you look ahead and realize there's all these things that you need to accomplish, and you don't really want to. This feeling is debilitating for 99% of people"...

"K" is Officially Considered a Complete Sentence

Tuesday May 1st, 2012

Remember when you were taught as a child that Pluto was a planet? Remember when you were told it wasn't? Well, now, another blow to your elementary school education has occurred...

North Korea says, "stop making fun of our missiles!"

You can't tell me you wont see this coming in the sky?

Written by Ware Waldo -May 2, 2012

North Korea has released a statement today demanding that people, "stop making fun of our missiles! We have read the different comments posted on the Internet such as 'Look at those weapons of bad construction.' We told you before that we can annihilate you all in 4 minutes, well, now we will do it in 2 minutes and 45 seconds. Keep talking and we will shave off those 45 seconds!"

New Political Party On The Rise

Although the current election will most likely be between a Republican and a Democrat, a new political party is on the rise for the next election cycle. They're calling themselves "Republicats"

Jim Morrison, the leader of the movement said this "We believe that all Americans are getting really tired of the constant bickering between the two existing parties. Then there's all these sectarian factions within these parties. It's all getting too confusing. What Americans need is a simple political path. That's why we mixed the two existing parties into one called, The Republicats"

Rainn Wilson Discusses Office Spin-off

Written by Ybnet Tirw
Tuesday May 1st, 2012

Exclusive: A new show called The Farm, a spin-off from the hit TV show The Office, will be coming in 2013. The show will star Rainn Wilson continuing his role as Dwight Schrute. The focus of the sitcom will be on his daily life on a beet farm that he owns with his slightly retarded brother named Mose.

Michael Bay: the Art of Ruining Someone's Childhood

Written by Ronald Stump
Monday April 30th, 2012

Michael Bay has received a lot of criticism lately in regards to his directing career. Such criticisms peeked with his Transformers trilogy centering on alien robot cars. In fact, just his name being attached to a project nowadays is foreboding as is the case with the upcoming reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...

Colorado Bear Attempts Public Suicide

Monday April 30th, 2012
Written by Ryan Pumper Nickle

In Boulder Colorado on April 25th , a teenage brown bear attempted to take his own life by jumping from a tree near a college campus. The story is as follows.

"Ro-oh"

At approximately 12:35 pm Icesis Awsum, a student from the University of Colorado, took her lunch break off campus. She walked to her usual spot (a tree where Icesis and her boyfriend first played patty cake) to eat her bologna and cheese Lunchable. Taking a seat beneath the tree and sipping her Capri Sun pouch drink, she couldn't help but to notice an odd amount of leaves falling from the branches above her head. Out of curiosity she looked up and was shocked to see what appeared to be a brown bear high up in the tree. Icesis' first thought was to run for her life, but she says, "I just couldn't".

Study Reveals Women Don't Understand Either

Saturday April 28th, 2012


A recent study conducted by professor of sociology, James Hendrix, revealed a shocking truth with regards to a well accepted myth, namely, that men don't understand women. "The part of the myth that men don't understand, is so far unconfirmed, but this myth that men don't understand implies that all women do. That's the part that we want to debunk".

Hendrix goes on to explain the reasons for focusing on this part of the myth when he says "as men, we need to prove that we're right about things. That's why we did this study. We wanted to prove to women that they actually don't make sense. To anybody! We wanted to prove that they don't just confuse men because men are stupid, as they imply, but rather that they confuse men and women alike, simply because the things they say and do, don't make sense to anybody."

Zuckerberg's Home of the Future

Written by Steve Careers
Saturday April 28th, 2012

Photograph here pictured

Last year work began on a home of the future funded by none other than Mark Zuckerberg. Aside from architects and those constructing the project, very few have actually seen the house. It's whereabouts have been kept a secret and little to no information had been released about the building up until now.

Circle Brushing Technique Not Most Effective Method

Jerry Seinfeld is an active
Minister in the Anti-Dentite Church

Friday April 27th, 2012

Jerry Seinfeld (anti-dentite) was taken to a dental hospital near his home in the Hamptons last month after a near fatal incident, which Seinfeld claims was caused by circular brushing techniques. Fans of Seinfeld and the public alike were enraged by the incident and many riots broke out in recent weeks.
Mr. Seinfeld expressed that "35 years ago, when I was just a boy, I just felt deep down inside of me that something was wrong with brushing. And that's why I replaced my teeth with horse teeth."

Man Wakes from 30 Year Coma and Asks to be Put Back to Sleep

Friday April 27th, 2012


David Lindersnout, of Cedar Falls, Idaho, woke up yesterday from a 30 year coma.
Lindersnout had some friends and family in the area. Doctors were more baffled by the man's attitude after only a few hours of being awake.

Some people still believe
that this is a boy

Lindersnout was visited by his younger brother (who was born after Lindersnout went into the coma) and several young sisters and cousins. After 2 hours of visiting, the visiting hours were over and the family was asked to return the next day. Mr. Lindersnout complained to the nurse "Why are all those girls so obsessed with this Justin Beaver girl? And since when are girls named Justin?" (Lindersnout was referring to Justin Bieber, pictured to the left). Lindersnout then reportedly asked for the TV remote and some privacy.

Study Finds Clues To Mysterious Microwave Events

Thursday April 24th, 2012

The Professor carrying out his
microwave study

Today, an article published in the Sorta Scientifical American was published. It discusses some theories to strange events that everyone has undoubtedly noticed.
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth (most famous for his appearance on Matt Groening's Futurama) notes "Every single person in the universe has used a microwave. Why doesn't anyone talk about the strange events that occur inside them".

Green Found to Be the Least Environmentally Friendly Color

Wednesday April 25th, 2012


An interview with the color green last week brings many to a confusing conclusion.

Earth here pictured "going green". Contrary to popular belief,
the earth should not be this color.

Lisa Jackson, head of the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) was disheartened by the way the color green answered questions in the interview. She said "Green has been the color we've gone to for many years when we're looking for a representation of our effort to be friendly to the Earth". She goes on to say "I've talked to the other colors - Purple, Pink, Red, and even Orange, - and they all seem to be more concerned with the Environment than the color green".

Here's a portion of the interview:

The Cure for Brain Freeze is Close at Hand!

Wednesday April 25th, 2012

Researchers have finally discovered what causes brain freeze, after thousands of years of research dating back to the first time someone put frozen water in their mouth. “The process of coming up with the answer was cool,” claims researcher Walter Icedrop in a terrible attempt to be funny.

He continues,

Man Feels Being Mac Owner Makes Him Better Person

Wednesday April 25th, 2012

Steve Jobs seen here accepting the fact that he's "better than others"

Gregory White of Salt Lake City, Utah and Doctor of Psychology says that
"being a Mac owner means that I'm smarter than people who use PCs". He says that these claims are founded on universally accepted facts. He lists some of these facts in an article published by Mac Mad Magazine where he says "1) Mac commercials. They're better than commercials for PCs. 2) Talk to any Mac owner, you can tell by their false sense of entitlement that they're better people. 3) Mac is just a cooler name than PC. 4) Just look at us. You can tell by the way we look down our nose at other people, including other Mac owners, that we're smarter, wealthier, and all around better".

Yahoo! News Covers Up Mass Murder of Dolphins

Tuesday April 24th, 2012

On April 6, 2012 a photo was taken of about a dozen dead dolphins lined up in an odd pattern on a beach in Peru. How they got there or what happened to them remains a mystery.

On Friday April 20, 2012 a news report was posted on Yahoo! in regards to this mystery that has absolutely no information in regards to the incident it refers to. Rather, it simply shows two photos showing a dozen dead dolphins and that's it. What is more mysterious is that over 147 different people (at the time of writing this report) have made comments in regards to this phenomon. These are some of the devestated responses to this happening.

Lilly White  states "This is the most acurate well written article I have seen from Yahoo in a long time. Gotta laugh though, no story and there are still 44 comments in response to it."

CarlT  from Austin, Texas agrees, "Good story.. short, concise and to the point."

Amboambo believes that it's "Simply a Dolphin cult ending their lives in a protest for longer Yahoo articles."

Otto Pilot  also from Texas asks "Did Yahoo start using invisible ink or do I need special glasses to see the story?"

Even the centuries old Bill of Rights  had something to add saying "Yahoo...Where is the article?.....I guess a picture is worth a thousand words. Yahoo, you're being cheap now."

What do you think? Is there a massive concipiracy taking place here? How did these dolphins die and who lined them up so neately? Is yahoo trying to cover this story up and at the same time trying to reveal it to the public? Is it possible Yahoo is using invisble ink even though it clearly would have been a typed report?  Are comments posted under these types of articles really worth reading? Please post your comments on this phenomenon down below and we will see.


Click here to see the actual Yahoo! News report

Battleship: More Like the Game than You Think

Peter Berg: Straightforward Movie Maker

  When you first heard that a Battleship movie was in the works you probably thought: "Battleship?  You mean like the famous Milton Bradly game, Battleship?".  Well if you thought that you're probably from the 1970's because Hasbro bought out Milton Bradley in the early 80's.  However you're correct in assuming it's based on the board game and that's where Peter Berg was mostly inspired when Universal Pictures approached him to direct the film.  We were able to get an interview with Peter Berg after he ran over my cousin's best friend's dog in Fresno and pleaded that he "not tell the cops" because he was intoxicated.

An Alien Spaceship Getting Washed in the Ocean

  The director of such films as Hancock and Friday Night Lights 2: Slam Dunk Drama Teens was more than candid with us after having a few generous sips of his "juice" in a T.G.I. Friday's within walking distance of his penthouse.  "It's more about reliving the experiences of playing the game when you were a kid" admits Berg, "There's no plot, there's no character development, it's just me and my brother guessing where each other's ships are." Berg wanted to recreate that feeling in this film and felt very confident in succeeding in that task.  When we asked about how close it is to actual Battleship game play he said: "The trailers just get you fired up to see the movie.  The action is minute compared to how much time is spent in watching commanding officers guess where to fire their cannons wildly into unknown waters"

  We then felt the need to delve into the obvious by asking about what the aliens seen in the trailers.  The director looked puzzled for a moment then ordered some mozzarella sticks and drank a few more drinks.  Eventually we got this response:  "It's not about making good movies, it's about making good monies.  'Statististically' movies make more money when there are aliens to fight that invade us, so i did the same kind of thing in my movie."  We asked what it was like to work with Liam Neeson but he said he didn't know who that was so we went back to the aliens.  "They're not like, in the movie but they're not friends with the good guys.  They're more like in the way of the guys who are playing the game."  After finishing off a plate of sliders, Berg passed out on his dessert and we quietly made our way out of the restaurant.

  With all the hype of movies that are based on toys from our childhood, Battleship will more than likely follow suit and disappoint people who have any taste or feel need to watch a movie with a plot.  But how do you, the reader feel? Leave your comments below.

 Please remember any comments that are pro Transformers will be instantly deleted.

New Star Wars Movie on the Horizon?

Saturday April 21st, 2012

George Lucas Poses in front of
Star Wars character puppet 

George Lucas recently announced this past Friday that he would like to get started on another Star Wars film, this time focusing on the origin of the Jedi council as seen in Episode 1. Lucas said that “I would like to have the story revolve around Yoda who, as a youth, was far from the wise Jedi that has been depicted in the previous films. In fact he was quite a rebel.” Lucas, in explaining the reason for his choice of centering the story around our green protagonist, said, “Yoda is a very beloved character in the series and has a much deeper connection with the Skywalker family then just that of Anakin and Luke. This connection will change everything you thought you knew about the Skywalker lineage and I'm sure it will surprise many. The back story that was originally written for Yoda and the other members of the Jedi Council is brilliant. I feel like modern technology has finally caught up to my vision, and that now would be a great time to bring the story to the big screen.”

Lucas, when asked what all would be revealed about Yoda and the Skywalker lineage stated “ I would like to reveal some of the biggest mysteries about Yoda and the other Jedi. I don't want to reveal too much, but things such as why Yoda talks the way he does and uses a walking stick when he clearly doesn't need it i would like to have explained. As well as how Mace Windu overcame intergalactic racial barriers by becoming the first black Jedi. These are just a few of the many things to look forward to learning in the new film which will be a prequel to the prequels."

Finally Lucas revealed that the name of the film would be appropriately titled Star Wars the Council Begins. He also hinted at possible sequels to this film. "The names", he says, "are not set in stone as of yet, but  I would like to follow the example of actual good directors and name the sequels either "Star Wars the Dark Jedi" and "the Dark Jedi Rises", or go the simple route and name it "Star Wars Avatar" and "STA2".

So what do you think? Are you excited to hear that George will be bringing Star Wars back to the big screen? Do you like the idea of the attention being centered on a more rebellious Yoda? What about finding out how Mace Windu overcame Racism? How about those movie names, pretty original right? Let us know what you think in the comments below.

Google Says That Best Way to Network is to Isolate Ourselves

Monday, April 23rd, 2012

Larry Page is awesome against
a reddish background

With the recent announcement of the upcoming gadget from Google, now being called "Project Glass" (although some speculate that this code name will be replaced by people just calling it "useless"), Google is now saying a little bit more about their vision for the upcoming product.

Google CEO Larry Page said that they are "trying to get people to network more. Productivity is all about networkitivity these days. You can't be productive without being in constant contact with other people". He goes on to say "Our goal with project glass is to get people to stay in touch no matter what they're doing. Be it eating, sleeping, walking, driving, dancing, walking, driving, walking, walking, or anything else. As we showed off in the concept video a few weeks ago, all of these things would be better if you had stuff, like, popping up into your field of view".

Masked Magician or Google "Project Glass'
Project lead in our office for interview

Project Lead (whose name has not been released) for Project Glass spoke with us while wearing one of those masks that the Masked Magician guy and some wrestlers wear sometimes. He said "the best way to network with people is really to isolate yourself. You see, imagine going to a party with a bunch people. You're sitting on a couch and there's a beautiful woman next to you. Instead of talking to her, which you'd be too scared to do, you would just talk to an inanimate object on your face and other people around the world could share in that experience via Google + if anyone ever uses it". He went on to relate that "It'll be especially cool when you're trying to get your glasses to do something but they don't understand you. Then you'll have to repeat yourself but only more loudly which will draw attention to the fact that you're talking to your glasses".

The Project Lead was wearing the glasses during our interview and would abruptly stop mid-sentence to address things apparently popping up on his glasses. He got noticeably frustrated and left the interview.

In other news, police say that a man wearing obtuse looking glasses and a "Masked Magician type mask" was killed in a high speed car accident this morning. 

Jennifer Garner is Worried!

Star of Juno and Zoya Has a Major Concern

  There are numerous celebrities who will respond quickly to an injustice or lead the way in some humanitarian effort.  Some notable celebrities among these include Angelina Jolie with her many adoptions and Ed Begley Jr's wood powered chainsaw.  However, one celebrity stands out above the rest.  Her concern could be noted as the highest atrocity known to the western world today.  But what has this second-rate film star and third-rate mother so distressed and why does it seem most people are not sharing her concern?

 Jennifer Garner, Showing Sincere Concern

  In a recent poll taken by the independent website askalottapeople.org, 9 out of 10 people asked to take a poll would refuse to do so simply because of apathy.  When asked why they were not interested in taking polls the people had walked too far away to get an audible response. The poll has a margin of error of a certain percentage.

   Psychologist, and sudoku champion, Dr. Herman Schlotzsky would not give us the time of day to answer any of our questions so we asked a 5-year-old nearby how he felt about the matter.  After finally getting him to calm down and stop hopping in place, he informed us how he could "Run really, really fast" when provoked and how he once watched 4 episodes of the hit Nickelodeon children's television program Yo Gabba Gabba! in one sitting.

Perabo, Also Concerned

  Jenni's not alone though.  Garner's call to action has gotten the attention of another C+-list celebrity and magician's assistant, Piper Perabo.  Both Garner and Perabo are sharing concern from a distance while not actively assisting or even acknowledging that there is a  problem.  But if there is no problem then why are both looking like someone just told them that they "don't want to live anymore"?  Why won't either step up and take action for whatever atrocity has been committed?  And why didn't Jason Bateman just tell his wife that he didn't want to have a kid in the first place in Juno?  Only time may tell.

Astrophysicist Admits All Theoretical Physics Claims Are Bogus

Saturday April 21st, 2012
Astrophysicist, Ringo McCartney, released a paper to the scientific community in which he proves mathematically that all other math problems used to explain things like Einstein's Theory of General Relativity are actually bogus.

Most of the paper was gibberish to normal humans, and Ringo McCartney uses this fact to validate his claims when he says "Look. Most people can't do this "math" that we do to support theories like General Relativity and Super String Theory, so who can really even argue with all this crap". He goes on to say "Two galaxies times two galaxies equals four galaxies. Therefore I have mathematically proven that there have to be at least four galaxies in the universe".

George Martin, professor of Theoretical Physics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology referred to this paper when he said "the only thing Dr. McCartney proved when he wrote this paper is that he's an idiot. Every astrophysicist knows multiplication doesn't work in space. We use space multiplication which is much more complicated". Martin went on to explain that "Theoretical physics is not about taking information we already have, hypothesizing on the data, and then testing out that hypothesis for months or even years to confirm it. What real theoretical physicists do is more like shooting an arrow at an empty wall, and then drawing a bullseye around the area where it lands. We usually like to make that bullseye really small so that it looks all the more impressive to people who don't understand our methods". He then went on to refer to himself as a "Space Magician".

Stephen Hawking at age 20

We held a brief interview with Stephen Hawking (the guy with that cool robot voice thingy) who said the "world would be a better place if we used half the time we spend on making stuff up to work out real problems rather than all this hypothetical mumbo jumbo. Mumbo jumbo is a funny word when you say it thru this thing. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha". He added that "all we really do, as Theoretical Physicists, is make stuff up. Then people go on arguing about it long after we're dead".

For more information on theoretical physics visit: http://www.2-3-5-7-11-13-17-19-23.3.14159265-doesanyofthismatter.C:/user/desktop/mydocuments/theoriesandstuff.slash/hyphen-dash.dotcom.com

Oprah Devastated by Huge Oversight

Oprah Devastated about Time's oversight

By Benjamin Zipper-Sat, Apr 21,2012



Oprah Winfrey, since the very conception of the list, has been on Time's Top 100 Most Influential people in the World. This year however, “there has been a major oversight” says Oprah. Quoting the Principal from Ferris Buellers Day Off Oprah complained to herself in the mirror, “Nine Times, Nine times, NINE TIMES I have made the list! I am the same person I was nine years ago and I look the same too so what were they thinking.”

Oprah's reaction to someone
ironically giving something to her
"for a change"

Why this oversight? Time Magazine stated that “Oprah is a wonderful woman and is certainly still influential to women who are wishing to look like they are 90 trying to be 40 when they are 52. However that is not enough anymore especially with people like Tim Tebow inspiring both young and old alike to pose with knee to ground, elbow to knee and fist to head in nearly every party photo.”


When asked for a more polite reason for the removing of Oprah from the list, they shrugged and said “can't think of one.”


Oprah as of last year ended her critically acclaimed daytime show and sabotaged OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) by first giving Rosie O'Donnell a show on her station and then pulling the plug on the show as soon as she realized what she had done. This lead to Rosie O'Donnell's placing a curse on Oprah that her name would become as synonymous with vomiting as that of her own name. This seems to be working as the ratings for the OWN plummet faster than America's economy.


With Oprah out of the race for the record of "Most Times Noted by Time as Most Influential People of the Time" in Time Magazine; the runners up for this rare and commonly overlooked section in the Guinness Book of World Records is left to Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton. Both have been listed seven times in Time Magazine. When asked how they feel about Oprah being removed from the list and their chance to beat her record they both looked at each other, shrugged and said, “we don't care as long as Mitt Romney doesn't win.” They then gave each other a fist bump which caused the first lady to become jealous.

New iPad Isn't So Hot (Except For It Is)

Consumers are reporting that "The New iPad" (as Apple is calling it even though everyone else calls it "iPad 3") is not really any better than their last iPad.

John and Dee "Cash-Bags" Anderson of Richtown, California said that they "can't tell the difference" between the first generation iPad and the new iPad when they were handed one of each and asked which one they liked better. John said "I have so much money that it doesn't matter if these things are different. I'll take one of each". He then offered our source "five thousand big ones" for the iPads because he reportedly "doesn't know the actual worth of anything".

When prompted to find any difference between the two products John and Dee Anderson eventually held the screens three inches away from their eyeballs and reported "Wow. Now that I hold them this close to my eyeballs, I can tell that this is a bad idea". They never reported any difference between the screen resolution on the products which is the only discernible difference.

Tim Cook enjoys long walks on the beach,
spending time with his children and swimming
in his vault of gold like Scrooge Mcduck

Apple CEO Tim "Not-a-jerk-like-Steve-Jobs-but-I'll-still-fire-you-if-you-cross-me-peon!" Cook recently was quoted as saying "People will literally buy whatever we tell them to buy. I'm not really sure why. I guess it's because of marketing or something. I don't know. I just go on stage and say what I'm told. They pay me to be smooth, not to know stuff and things". Mr. Cook then went back to playing Angry Birds Space on an iPad that he "could swear was the iPad 3", which was actually the first generation iPad.

In related news, Aliens from planet Jupiter landed on earth today and broke into an Apple Store.

Gas Prices Drop Enough to Make Americans "Shut Up"

Friday April 20th, 2012

Gas prices have reportedly dropped an insignificant amount as reported by numerous sources.

After crisis in the Middle East, especially Syria (from which America imports 0.00062% of it's oil) gas prices skyrocketed in the first quarter of the 2012 fiscal year. Americans made a "big fuss" about the increase in price. Miguel Hernandez of Phoenix, Arizona said "I don't want to pay this much, man. It's too much. I have to drive this big truck around because it looks cool, man".

John Boehner's first attempt at smiling

After numerous complaints about unnecessarily high gas prices, the Obama administration released a statement earlier in the year saying that they would investigate the high gas prices. In the last three weeks gas prices have fallen an average of .7 cents per gallon. House Speaker, John Boehner, stated in a recent interview with the AP (Associated Press) that the Administration "decided it would be in the best interest of the President since he wants to be re-elected, to get these stupid gas prices down enough for the average American to shut up".

Gas prices rose by roughly 21% over the last 4 months and have since dropped less than 1%. People all over the nation have reportedly "shut up". Jose Cuervo of Anytown, USA said "Oh, I'm glad that gas prices have come back down to a reasonable level. I was paying over $3.90 a gallon, dude! Now I'm paying
$3.88. Since my tank is over 80 gallons in this brand new 2013 Hummer H5 which hasn't even been announced yet, and which I use to commute 52 miles to work each day, those two cents make a huge difference". Jose later told us that his insurance premium is $2,500.00 a day and that he wastes hundred of dollars a day "buying burgers and stuff".

In other news, the word "gullible" does not appear in any dictionary.
Seriously, look it up.

American Idol's Elimination Shocks

Last night on hit Reality Series and, as Simon Cowell (Producer) has been quoted as calling it over 10,000 times, "a singing competition" American Idol, Americans all over North America were in shock when Colton Dixon received only enough votes for him to place 7th.

Dixon's reaction to seeing self in mirror
realizing he does need a haircut.

Yahoo! Music reported that "Colton Dixon...had never been in the bottom three before". A shocking revelation.

Colton was interviewed immediately after the show and said that "people should really find something better to worry about. People are out there starving to death when there's plenty of food to go around. Seriously, go do something better with your time".

Paula Abdul was asked how she felt about this round of elimination when she was found in a nearby bar. Our sources quote her as saying "Wonderful. He is really special. A very special person. Everything is wonderful. You're wonderful. I love you so much".

Randy Newman, the show's only cool host ever in the history of American Idol,  said "Daaaaawg. For real Dawg?"

Stay Tuned for more Idol news. It will literally be on TV until Ryan Seacrest is tall enough to reach the top shelf of his refrigerator.

Paris Hilton Checked Into Hospital After "Work"

Thursday April 19th, 2012

Yesterday, Paris Hilton, star of the of the television reality series The Simple Life checked herself into the Beverly Hills Emergency Medical Center.

Hilton after finding out
that nobody really cares.

After a day of meetings with producers, shopping, phone calls with girlfriends, playing with Barbie's, and brushing her hair, she reportedly felt ill.

A brief interview with a source close to Hilton who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity said that she was not used to having so many important tasks to complete in a single day and that she has never really "worked a day in her life".

A call to her agent's office Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe was unanswered. We left a message on their voicemail which has as of yet been unreturned. The outgoing message on the voicemail stated "Are you completely without talent? Are you attractive and overly thin? Would you sell your soul to us so that we can sell magazines? Then send us a photo pronto! No Talent? Good Looks? We'll get you booked!


We were able to locate Paris Hilton's current boyfriend, Muscles McMoneybags. His only comment was "Paris who?"

Hilton is now in Rehab after overdosing on that hand cleaner stuff in the hospital rooms which apparently contains alcohol. The Chief of Staff at the facility said that "Getting her back to normal won't take long since her normal level of sobriety is rock bottom for the average person".

For more insignificant celebrity news which is less important than the ant I stepped on when I walked out my front door, please direct your attention anywhere other than the inside of your eyelids.