Study Shows All "Morning People" Addicted to Drugs

An article was published this week in the American Journal of Medicine which studied the causes of the "unrelenting chipper attitude" that some individuals display so annoyingly. The study shows that most of these individuals are known by themselves or their peers as a "morning person".

Dr. Alia Shawkat says "We all really hate the chronic morning person that sits at the desk next to us. I mean, who in their right mind is happy in the morning. It just doesn't make sense". She adds "the morning is absolutely the worst time of the day. It's the time of the day when you look ahead and realize there's all these things that you need to accomplish, and you don't really want to. This feeling is debilitating for 99% of people"...

Alia Shawkat is not
 a Doctor per se

So what causes this rare "morning person" disorder? Dr. Shawkat explains "I just had to find out what was causing this absolutely disgusting behavior in some of my peers". She continues to explain the cause when she says "I gathered the peers who considered themselves to be 'morning people' as well as gathered individuals from the outside community who are 'morning people'. We performed psych evaluations and medical examinations. Each individual was told strictly that they were not allowed to change anything in their routine, diet, etc. so that we could get a real grasp of the cause. We then invited a control, a group of normal people, who, like the rest of us are depressed and taking Zoloft. 100% of the people who considered themselves a 'morning person' are suspected by our analysts to be addicted to crack. While we could not confirm this with any medical examinations, blood or urine tests, MRIs, EKGs, CAT Scans, or the like, we are very sure of this based on the psych evaluation of each individual.

She goes on to explain the psych evaluation by saying "200% (Dr. Shawkat got a Crocodile in math) of the individuals who called themselves 'morning people' have a disturbing outlook on life. They repeatedly referred to their overall situation as 'Awesome'. They repeated the phrase 'things are great' like a mantra in our sessions with them. Our psychologists were dumbfounded. We asked them over and over to tell us what is bothering them and they relentlessly answered the question by saying 'Really, nothing is wrong. I'm totally fine'. We also asked them what they think the future holds for things like North American Politics, the Media, Science, Cancer, Death, Religion, etc. and their answers were usually something like 'Yeah, you know I'm sure we'll work that out. People are smart".

One psychological consultant believed strongly that these individuals were "from another planet".  He also asked "have these people watched the news or ever been outside".  Another consultant called the group of morning persons "completely insane and under-medicated".