Missing Plane Still Taking on Passengers

Russian Passenger Plane
unaware of what a bad day its about to have.

May 10th, 2012 - Written by Jack Locke

A new Russian-made passenger plane went missing over mountains in western Indonesia while on a demonstration flight for potential buyers. What is more mysterious than the sudden disappearance of this plane is that the passenger count on board continues to rise. 

The Irish Times in their initial report stated that there were 44 passengers on the plane when it vanished. The Herald Sun reported this:

Mr.Owl Dies at Age of 72

May 4, 2012- Written By James Cluber

Mr. Owl (most commonly known for his role in Tootsie Pop commercials and..... thats about it) died today at the age of 72. 

Mr. Owl, whose real name is Shabash Owlsomus III, started his career as an entertainer at the age of 30. His first job was on the first Tootsie Pop commercial that aired back in 1970 where a naked boy walked around the forest talking to animals about a sucker. Owlsomus was orginally casted as the second animal that the boy approached in the forest. However, an incident that happened off set led to him recieving the role which he has become famous for today.

New Law Makes Certain Acronyms Illegal

Senator Gerald Ford (R) of Utah passed a law yesterday that makes use of the popular acronym LOL illegal if used incorrectly. He explains the reason he signed off on the law in an interview with the AP "Basically, I'm really tired of getting textual transmissions (text messages) from my daughters that say 'LOL' when I know that they aren't really laughing. It's misleading".

Study Shows All "Morning People" Addicted to Drugs

An article was published this week in the American Journal of Medicine which studied the causes of the "unrelenting chipper attitude" that some individuals display so annoyingly. The study shows that most of these individuals are known by themselves or their peers as a "morning person".

Dr. Alia Shawkat says "We all really hate the chronic morning person that sits at the desk next to us. I mean, who in their right mind is happy in the morning. It just doesn't make sense". She adds "the morning is absolutely the worst time of the day. It's the time of the day when you look ahead and realize there's all these things that you need to accomplish, and you don't really want to. This feeling is debilitating for 99% of people"...

"K" is Officially Considered a Complete Sentence

Tuesday May 1st, 2012

Remember when you were taught as a child that Pluto was a planet? Remember when you were told it wasn't? Well, now, another blow to your elementary school education has occurred...

New Political Party On The Rise

Although the current election will most likely be between a Republican and a Democrat, a new political party is on the rise for the next election cycle. They're calling themselves "Republicats"

Jim Morrison, the leader of the movement said this "We believe that all Americans are getting really tired of the constant bickering between the two existing parties. Then there's all these sectarian factions within these parties. It's all getting too confusing. What Americans need is a simple political path. That's why we mixed the two existing parties into one called, The Republicats"

Colorado Bear Attempts Public Suicide

Monday April 30th, 2012
Written by Ryan Pumper Nickle

In Boulder Colorado on April 25th , a teenage brown bear attempted to take his own life by jumping from a tree near a college campus. The story is as follows.

"Ro-oh"

At approximately 12:35 pm Icesis Awsum, a student from the University of Colorado, took her lunch break off campus. She walked to her usual spot (a tree where Icesis and her boyfriend first played patty cake) to eat her bologna and cheese Lunchable. Taking a seat beneath the tree and sipping her Capri Sun pouch drink, she couldn't help but to notice an odd amount of leaves falling from the branches above her head. Out of curiosity she looked up and was shocked to see what appeared to be a brown bear high up in the tree. Icesis' first thought was to run for her life, but she says, "I just couldn't".

Study Reveals Women Don't Understand Either

Saturday April 28th, 2012


A recent study conducted by professor of sociology, James Hendrix, revealed a shocking truth with regards to a well accepted myth, namely, that men don't understand women. "The part of the myth that men don't understand, is so far unconfirmed, but this myth that men don't understand implies that all women do. That's the part that we want to debunk".

Hendrix goes on to explain the reasons for focusing on this part of the myth when he says "as men, we need to prove that we're right about things. That's why we did this study. We wanted to prove to women that they actually don't make sense. To anybody! We wanted to prove that they don't just confuse men because men are stupid, as they imply, but rather that they confuse men and women alike, simply because the things they say and do, don't make sense to anybody."

Study Finds Clues To Mysterious Microwave Events

Thursday April 24th, 2012

The Professor carrying out his
microwave study

Today, an article published in the Sorta Scientifical American was published. It discusses some theories to strange events that everyone has undoubtedly noticed.
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth (most famous for his appearance on Matt Groening's Futurama) notes "Every single person in the universe has used a microwave. Why doesn't anyone talk about the strange events that occur inside them".

Green Found to Be the Least Environmentally Friendly Color

Wednesday April 25th, 2012


An interview with the color green last week brings many to a confusing conclusion.

Earth here pictured "going green". Contrary to popular belief,
the earth should not be this color.

Lisa Jackson, head of the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) was disheartened by the way the color green answered questions in the interview. She said "Green has been the color we've gone to for many years when we're looking for a representation of our effort to be friendly to the Earth". She goes on to say "I've talked to the other colors - Purple, Pink, Red, and even Orange, - and they all seem to be more concerned with the Environment than the color green".

Here's a portion of the interview:

New Star Wars Movie on the Horizon?

Saturday April 21st, 2012

George Lucas Poses in front of
Star Wars character puppet 

George Lucas recently announced this past Friday that he would like to get started on another Star Wars film, this time focusing on the origin of the Jedi council as seen in Episode 1. Lucas said that “I would like to have the story revolve around Yoda who, as a youth, was far from the wise Jedi that has been depicted in the previous films. In fact he was quite a rebel.” Lucas, in explaining the reason for his choice of centering the story around our green protagonist, said, “Yoda is a very beloved character in the series and has a much deeper connection with the Skywalker family then just that of Anakin and Luke. This connection will change everything you thought you knew about the Skywalker lineage and I'm sure it will surprise many. The back story that was originally written for Yoda and the other members of the Jedi Council is brilliant. I feel like modern technology has finally caught up to my vision, and that now would be a great time to bring the story to the big screen.”

Lucas, when asked what all would be revealed about Yoda and the Skywalker lineage stated “ I would like to reveal some of the biggest mysteries about Yoda and the other Jedi. I don't want to reveal too much, but things such as why Yoda talks the way he does and uses a walking stick when he clearly doesn't need it i would like to have explained. As well as how Mace Windu overcame intergalactic racial barriers by becoming the first black Jedi. These are just a few of the many things to look forward to learning in the new film which will be a prequel to the prequels."

Finally Lucas revealed that the name of the film would be appropriately titled Star Wars the Council Begins. He also hinted at possible sequels to this film. "The names", he says, "are not set in stone as of yet, but  I would like to follow the example of actual good directors and name the sequels either "Star Wars the Dark Jedi" and "the Dark Jedi Rises", or go the simple route and name it "Star Wars Avatar" and "STA2".

So what do you think? Are you excited to hear that George will be bringing Star Wars back to the big screen? Do you like the idea of the attention being centered on a more rebellious Yoda? What about finding out how Mace Windu overcame Racism? How about those movie names, pretty original right? Let us know what you think in the comments below.

Google Says That Best Way to Network is to Isolate Ourselves

Monday, April 23rd, 2012

Larry Page is awesome against
a reddish background

With the recent announcement of the upcoming gadget from Google, now being called "Project Glass" (although some speculate that this code name will be replaced by people just calling it "useless"), Google is now saying a little bit more about their vision for the upcoming product.

Google CEO Larry Page said that they are "trying to get people to network more. Productivity is all about networkitivity these days. You can't be productive without being in constant contact with other people". He goes on to say "Our goal with project glass is to get people to stay in touch no matter what they're doing. Be it eating, sleeping, walking, driving, dancing, walking, driving, walking, walking, or anything else. As we showed off in the concept video a few weeks ago, all of these things would be better if you had stuff, like, popping up into your field of view".

Masked Magician or Google "Project Glass'
Project lead in our office for interview

Project Lead (whose name has not been released) for Project Glass spoke with us while wearing one of those masks that the Masked Magician guy and some wrestlers wear sometimes. He said "the best way to network with people is really to isolate yourself. You see, imagine going to a party with a bunch people. You're sitting on a couch and there's a beautiful woman next to you. Instead of talking to her, which you'd be too scared to do, you would just talk to an inanimate object on your face and other people around the world could share in that experience via Google + if anyone ever uses it". He went on to relate that "It'll be especially cool when you're trying to get your glasses to do something but they don't understand you. Then you'll have to repeat yourself but only more loudly which will draw attention to the fact that you're talking to your glasses".

The Project Lead was wearing the glasses during our interview and would abruptly stop mid-sentence to address things apparently popping up on his glasses. He got noticeably frustrated and left the interview.

In other news, police say that a man wearing obtuse looking glasses and a "Masked Magician type mask" was killed in a high speed car accident this morning. 

Oprah Devastated by Huge Oversight

Oprah Devastated about Time's oversight

By Benjamin Zipper-Sat, Apr 21,2012



Oprah Winfrey, since the very conception of the list, has been on Time's Top 100 Most Influential people in the World. This year however, “there has been a major oversight” says Oprah. Quoting the Principal from Ferris Buellers Day Off Oprah complained to herself in the mirror, “Nine Times, Nine times, NINE TIMES I have made the list! I am the same person I was nine years ago and I look the same too so what were they thinking.”

Oprah's reaction to someone
ironically giving something to her
"for a change"

Why this oversight? Time Magazine stated that “Oprah is a wonderful woman and is certainly still influential to women who are wishing to look like they are 90 trying to be 40 when they are 52. However that is not enough anymore especially with people like Tim Tebow inspiring both young and old alike to pose with knee to ground, elbow to knee and fist to head in nearly every party photo.”


When asked for a more polite reason for the removing of Oprah from the list, they shrugged and said “can't think of one.”


Oprah as of last year ended her critically acclaimed daytime show and sabotaged OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) by first giving Rosie O'Donnell a show on her station and then pulling the plug on the show as soon as she realized what she had done. This lead to Rosie O'Donnell's placing a curse on Oprah that her name would become as synonymous with vomiting as that of her own name. This seems to be working as the ratings for the OWN plummet faster than America's economy.


With Oprah out of the race for the record of "Most Times Noted by Time as Most Influential People of the Time" in Time Magazine; the runners up for this rare and commonly overlooked section in the Guinness Book of World Records is left to Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton. Both have been listed seven times in Time Magazine. When asked how they feel about Oprah being removed from the list and their chance to beat her record they both looked at each other, shrugged and said, “we don't care as long as Mitt Romney doesn't win.” They then gave each other a fist bump which caused the first lady to become jealous.