Apple's New iPhone (a.k.a. iPhone 5 or 6 or the new iPhone)

After a brief hiatus, the writers of The Daily Fakester are back!

Tuesday May 29th, 2012

Apple to use low resolution screen on new iPhone

After numerous rumors around the web have surfaced about a different screen for the upcoming iPhone, Apple CEO Tim Cook, has released a statement.

"I'd like to dispel rumors upfront about the new iPhone. In the past, Steve Jobs liked to keep things secret, allowing rumors to get out of control. A couple years ago we saw videos of a fake iPhone with a holographic keyboard." He continues "Rather than disappoint our hopeless minions, I'd like to be upfront and say that the new iPhone's screen will not be bigger. It will be the same size. Also, we are decreasing the resolution".

During an interview with Cook about his statement he revealed more information:

Us: So Tim, why decrease screen resolution when your competitors are stepping it up?

Cook: Well, two reasons. 1) People will buy anything we sell as long as we market it like it's unquestionably the best thing ever, and 2) Because we've found that people are just overwhelmed by having millions of pixels on a screen. That's just too many.

Us: Tim, can you tell us how many pixels will be used?

Cook: We're going with a traditional 2x2 format. So that's a total of 4 pixels!

Us: Tim, are you serious?

Cook: Yes, I'm totally serious.

Us: Wow.

Cook: People will have four different blocks on their screen, each block with be a different color for a different app. So all you have to do is memorize which application is which color. Let's say you click on the "Contacts" app. You'll be taken to a list screen with, you guessed it, four blocks, ranging in color. So as long as you have your friends memorized by color, you'll easily be able to call them.

Us: How will things like Photo, video, and web viewing work?

Cook: We at Apple have always found that no matter how limited our products are, people find a way to work with them for some reason. 

Us: Sounds incredible! I cannot wait to experience this myself. Any idea what the cost might be?

Cook: We're ridiculously excited to announce the cost. You're going to be blown away by how low cost this product is. The cost was 98 cents for us to build each phone. So by the time it gets to you, the consumer, you'll be paying only $299.99 for the 4MB version, and $399.99 for the 5MB version.

Us: We're simply stunned. Another innovation from Apple. 

Yes it's true. Apple has done it again. In a mere fifty years we can all expect to have absolutely no personality or thinking capacity at all!

New York Butts Dial 911 on Their Owners

Written by Glen Maximus- May 12th, 2012

If you are a New Yorker with a rear end, then you may need to watch your "back". According to a recent report, police stations in the "Big Apple" received close to 4 million calls from people's backsides in 2010.

Mickey Mouse Shot in Rhode Island Airport

May 9, 2012-Written by Tlaw Yensid

Mickey Mouse was shot and arrested yesterday evening after trying to smuggle gun parts past airport security in Rhode Island.

Mickey was not alone. He was accompanied by two other accomplices: a teddy bear known as "Boris Bad Bear" (a.k.a. B.B.B.), and Mickey's older brother Oswald the Rabbit. Mickey was found carrying a firing pin. Waldo had two .40 caliber magazines and B.B.B had the rest of the parts. They were caught, one after the other, pulling the different components of the gun out of their over sized animated shoes. They attempted to assemble the gun in time to shoot the airport security staff before approaching the metal detectors.

Missing Plane Still Taking on Passengers

Russian Passenger Plane
unaware of what a bad day its about to have.

May 10th, 2012 - Written by Jack Locke

A new Russian-made passenger plane went missing over mountains in western Indonesia while on a demonstration flight for potential buyers. What is more mysterious than the sudden disappearance of this plane is that the passenger count on board continues to rise. 

The Irish Times in their initial report stated that there were 44 passengers on the plane when it vanished. The Herald Sun reported this:

Scientist Discover That Sci-Fi Movies Are Right

Biologists have confirmed finding life on Mars.

Recently, old sets of data from an earlier mission to the planet Mars were reviewed. The biologists studying the data revealed early Wednesday morning that they have indeed confirmed the existence of life on Mars as a result of the revisitation of this data. The interesting part about this, is that it confirms a theory that science fiction movies and TV shows have been trying to support for many years...

Ann Romney's $1k Shirt

Late Sunday night Ann Romney held a press conference to discuss her social faux pas - the $990 shirt that she wore when she appeared on a Television interview.

Ann Romney explains that it has "all been a big misunderstanding" when she says:

Mr.Owl Dies at Age of 72

May 4, 2012- Written By James Cluber

Mr. Owl (most commonly known for his role in Tootsie Pop commercials and..... thats about it) died today at the age of 72. 

Mr. Owl, whose real name is Shabash Owlsomus III, started his career as an entertainer at the age of 30. His first job was on the first Tootsie Pop commercial that aired back in 1970 where a naked boy walked around the forest talking to animals about a sucker. Owlsomus was orginally casted as the second animal that the boy approached in the forest. However, an incident that happened off set led to him recieving the role which he has become famous for today.

New Law Makes Certain Acronyms Illegal

Senator Gerald Ford (R) of Utah passed a law yesterday that makes use of the popular acronym LOL illegal if used incorrectly. He explains the reason he signed off on the law in an interview with the AP "Basically, I'm really tired of getting textual transmissions (text messages) from my daughters that say 'LOL' when I know that they aren't really laughing. It's misleading".

Obama's Actual Birth Place Stirs Controversy

Many remember when Barack Obama's birthplace was called into question. Donald Trump, the real estate tycoon, famously asked to see President Obama's birth certificate as proof that he was born within the borders of the 50 States, and thus, legally able to become the . The truth about Obama's birthplace will shock all but the most savvy observers.

Canned Laughter Banned From New Sitcoms

Breaking news:
Another one of Mom's expensive, irreplaceable vases have been broken.


In other news, after many years of protests, canned laughter has now been banned from use on all future sitcoms.

The group leading the protests since The Hank McCune Show first used the gimmick in the 1950s is the VACLFMR (Viewers against canned laughter for moral reasons)...

Man Wakes from 30 Year Coma and Asks to be Put Back to Sleep

Friday April 27th, 2012


David Lindersnout, of Cedar Falls, Idaho, woke up yesterday from a 30 year coma.
Lindersnout had some friends and family in the area. Doctors were more baffled by the man's attitude after only a few hours of being awake.

Some people still believe
that this is a boy

Lindersnout was visited by his younger brother (who was born after Lindersnout went into the coma) and several young sisters and cousins. After 2 hours of visiting, the visiting hours were over and the family was asked to return the next day. Mr. Lindersnout complained to the nurse "Why are all those girls so obsessed with this Justin Beaver girl? And since when are girls named Justin?" (Lindersnout was referring to Justin Bieber, pictured to the left). Lindersnout then reportedly asked for the TV remote and some privacy.

Green Found to Be the Least Environmentally Friendly Color

Wednesday April 25th, 2012


An interview with the color green last week brings many to a confusing conclusion.

Earth here pictured "going green". Contrary to popular belief,
the earth should not be this color.

Lisa Jackson, head of the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) was disheartened by the way the color green answered questions in the interview. She said "Green has been the color we've gone to for many years when we're looking for a representation of our effort to be friendly to the Earth". She goes on to say "I've talked to the other colors - Purple, Pink, Red, and even Orange, - and they all seem to be more concerned with the Environment than the color green".

Here's a portion of the interview:

Man Feels Being Mac Owner Makes Him Better Person

Wednesday April 25th, 2012

Steve Jobs seen here accepting the fact that he's "better than others"

Gregory White of Salt Lake City, Utah and Doctor of Psychology says that
"being a Mac owner means that I'm smarter than people who use PCs". He says that these claims are founded on universally accepted facts. He lists some of these facts in an article published by Mac Mad Magazine where he says "1) Mac commercials. They're better than commercials for PCs. 2) Talk to any Mac owner, you can tell by their false sense of entitlement that they're better people. 3) Mac is just a cooler name than PC. 4) Just look at us. You can tell by the way we look down our nose at other people, including other Mac owners, that we're smarter, wealthier, and all around better".

New Star Wars Movie on the Horizon?

Saturday April 21st, 2012

George Lucas Poses in front of
Star Wars character puppet 

George Lucas recently announced this past Friday that he would like to get started on another Star Wars film, this time focusing on the origin of the Jedi council as seen in Episode 1. Lucas said that “I would like to have the story revolve around Yoda who, as a youth, was far from the wise Jedi that has been depicted in the previous films. In fact he was quite a rebel.” Lucas, in explaining the reason for his choice of centering the story around our green protagonist, said, “Yoda is a very beloved character in the series and has a much deeper connection with the Skywalker family then just that of Anakin and Luke. This connection will change everything you thought you knew about the Skywalker lineage and I'm sure it will surprise many. The back story that was originally written for Yoda and the other members of the Jedi Council is brilliant. I feel like modern technology has finally caught up to my vision, and that now would be a great time to bring the story to the big screen.”

Lucas, when asked what all would be revealed about Yoda and the Skywalker lineage stated “ I would like to reveal some of the biggest mysteries about Yoda and the other Jedi. I don't want to reveal too much, but things such as why Yoda talks the way he does and uses a walking stick when he clearly doesn't need it i would like to have explained. As well as how Mace Windu overcame intergalactic racial barriers by becoming the first black Jedi. These are just a few of the many things to look forward to learning in the new film which will be a prequel to the prequels."

Finally Lucas revealed that the name of the film would be appropriately titled Star Wars the Council Begins. He also hinted at possible sequels to this film. "The names", he says, "are not set in stone as of yet, but  I would like to follow the example of actual good directors and name the sequels either "Star Wars the Dark Jedi" and "the Dark Jedi Rises", or go the simple route and name it "Star Wars Avatar" and "STA2".

So what do you think? Are you excited to hear that George will be bringing Star Wars back to the big screen? Do you like the idea of the attention being centered on a more rebellious Yoda? What about finding out how Mace Windu overcame Racism? How about those movie names, pretty original right? Let us know what you think in the comments below.

Google Says That Best Way to Network is to Isolate Ourselves

Monday, April 23rd, 2012

Larry Page is awesome against
a reddish background

With the recent announcement of the upcoming gadget from Google, now being called "Project Glass" (although some speculate that this code name will be replaced by people just calling it "useless"), Google is now saying a little bit more about their vision for the upcoming product.

Google CEO Larry Page said that they are "trying to get people to network more. Productivity is all about networkitivity these days. You can't be productive without being in constant contact with other people". He goes on to say "Our goal with project glass is to get people to stay in touch no matter what they're doing. Be it eating, sleeping, walking, driving, dancing, walking, driving, walking, walking, or anything else. As we showed off in the concept video a few weeks ago, all of these things would be better if you had stuff, like, popping up into your field of view".

Masked Magician or Google "Project Glass'
Project lead in our office for interview

Project Lead (whose name has not been released) for Project Glass spoke with us while wearing one of those masks that the Masked Magician guy and some wrestlers wear sometimes. He said "the best way to network with people is really to isolate yourself. You see, imagine going to a party with a bunch people. You're sitting on a couch and there's a beautiful woman next to you. Instead of talking to her, which you'd be too scared to do, you would just talk to an inanimate object on your face and other people around the world could share in that experience via Google + if anyone ever uses it". He went on to relate that "It'll be especially cool when you're trying to get your glasses to do something but they don't understand you. Then you'll have to repeat yourself but only more loudly which will draw attention to the fact that you're talking to your glasses".

The Project Lead was wearing the glasses during our interview and would abruptly stop mid-sentence to address things apparently popping up on his glasses. He got noticeably frustrated and left the interview.

In other news, police say that a man wearing obtuse looking glasses and a "Masked Magician type mask" was killed in a high speed car accident this morning.