Apple's New iPhone (a.k.a. iPhone 5 or 6 or the new iPhone)

After a brief hiatus, the writers of The Daily Fakester are back!

Tuesday May 29th, 2012

Apple to use low resolution screen on new iPhone

After numerous rumors around the web have surfaced about a different screen for the upcoming iPhone, Apple CEO Tim Cook, has released a statement.

"I'd like to dispel rumors upfront about the new iPhone. In the past, Steve Jobs liked to keep things secret, allowing rumors to get out of control. A couple years ago we saw videos of a fake iPhone with a holographic keyboard." He continues "Rather than disappoint our hopeless minions, I'd like to be upfront and say that the new iPhone's screen will not be bigger. It will be the same size. Also, we are decreasing the resolution".

During an interview with Cook about his statement he revealed more information:

Us: So Tim, why decrease screen resolution when your competitors are stepping it up?

Cook: Well, two reasons. 1) People will buy anything we sell as long as we market it like it's unquestionably the best thing ever, and 2) Because we've found that people are just overwhelmed by having millions of pixels on a screen. That's just too many.

Us: Tim, can you tell us how many pixels will be used?

Cook: We're going with a traditional 2x2 format. So that's a total of 4 pixels!

Us: Tim, are you serious?

Cook: Yes, I'm totally serious.

Us: Wow.

Cook: People will have four different blocks on their screen, each block with be a different color for a different app. So all you have to do is memorize which application is which color. Let's say you click on the "Contacts" app. You'll be taken to a list screen with, you guessed it, four blocks, ranging in color. So as long as you have your friends memorized by color, you'll easily be able to call them.

Us: How will things like Photo, video, and web viewing work?

Cook: We at Apple have always found that no matter how limited our products are, people find a way to work with them for some reason. 

Us: Sounds incredible! I cannot wait to experience this myself. Any idea what the cost might be?

Cook: We're ridiculously excited to announce the cost. You're going to be blown away by how low cost this product is. The cost was 98 cents for us to build each phone. So by the time it gets to you, the consumer, you'll be paying only $299.99 for the 4MB version, and $399.99 for the 5MB version.

Us: We're simply stunned. Another innovation from Apple. 

Yes it's true. Apple has done it again. In a mere fifty years we can all expect to have absolutely no personality or thinking capacity at all!

Google Says That Best Way to Network is to Isolate Ourselves

Monday, April 23rd, 2012

Larry Page is awesome against
a reddish background

With the recent announcement of the upcoming gadget from Google, now being called "Project Glass" (although some speculate that this code name will be replaced by people just calling it "useless"), Google is now saying a little bit more about their vision for the upcoming product.

Google CEO Larry Page said that they are "trying to get people to network more. Productivity is all about networkitivity these days. You can't be productive without being in constant contact with other people". He goes on to say "Our goal with project glass is to get people to stay in touch no matter what they're doing. Be it eating, sleeping, walking, driving, dancing, walking, driving, walking, walking, or anything else. As we showed off in the concept video a few weeks ago, all of these things would be better if you had stuff, like, popping up into your field of view".

Masked Magician or Google "Project Glass'
Project lead in our office for interview

Project Lead (whose name has not been released) for Project Glass spoke with us while wearing one of those masks that the Masked Magician guy and some wrestlers wear sometimes. He said "the best way to network with people is really to isolate yourself. You see, imagine going to a party with a bunch people. You're sitting on a couch and there's a beautiful woman next to you. Instead of talking to her, which you'd be too scared to do, you would just talk to an inanimate object on your face and other people around the world could share in that experience via Google + if anyone ever uses it". He went on to relate that "It'll be especially cool when you're trying to get your glasses to do something but they don't understand you. Then you'll have to repeat yourself but only more loudly which will draw attention to the fact that you're talking to your glasses".

The Project Lead was wearing the glasses during our interview and would abruptly stop mid-sentence to address things apparently popping up on his glasses. He got noticeably frustrated and left the interview.

In other news, police say that a man wearing obtuse looking glasses and a "Masked Magician type mask" was killed in a high speed car accident this morning.