Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale Hated the Avengers

May 11th, 2012-  Written by Muslim Bale

The Avengers opened this past weekend to rave reviews and broke box office records when it raked in $207.1 million. Fans and critics alike have praised the execution of this heavily anticipated film. Roger Ebert even stated in his review "The Avengers has done for me what medication couldn't and now my love life is back on track. Yeah, it was that good and yeah, I am that old." 

However, despite it's critical acclaim there remains at least two individuals who are not impressed. Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale saw The Avengers together opening night and were quite upset.

Bale and Nolan being arrested by police 

"Lets go make people cry."

Bale and Nolan were seen dressed up as Batman and Robin entering into the theater opening night. After the film finished Bale stood up in his Dark Knight Costume went to the front of the theater and said in a deep, barely understandable tone, "that movie sucked!" Then as if to give weight to his comment he screamed out, "I'm Batman!" 

Both Nolan and Bale were chased out of the theater by dozens of fans dressed up as mediocre versions of the characters from the film. One kid dressed as the Hulk managed to tackle Nolan to the ground screaming wildly, "HULK MAD! HULK SMASH!" as he punched Nolan in the head with his tiny fist. Another child threw his Captain America toy shield at Bale, but was disappointed when it didn't fly back to him like it did in the film. 

We recently caught up with "Batman and Robin" to have them explain why they are acting like such idiots about this. "The message the Avengers is sending to people everywhere is that superhero movies can be fun, exciting, have a great story and have a sense of humor. What the Crap?!" Nolan tells us. "That's not what superheroes are about! They are about depression, cross dressing villains, and bad voice acting!" 

Bale playing as Robert Downey Jr as Bruce Wayne as Bale
before attacking our lighting guy.

Bale says, "I'm English so I'm always upset about stuff for no reason so why the ---- ---- are people so surprised? Nolan approached me and said 'hey I have a robin costume and two and a half hours to waste so lets go make people cry'. I said 'Okay' and that's the story. Now fix this ----- lighting!"

Batman's worst enemy

Nolan adds to Bale's comment. "We're just hurt ya know and to be honest a little jealous. We've both spent so much time fixing Batman's image. I mean seriously, George Clooney almost killed him dead! And yet we saw the Avengers and people, including Batman fans, were clapping every time anybody did anything. Hulk punches Thor - crowd goes wild. Scarlett Johansson walks on the screen, guys go wild. Then I think about how we have an aging Anne Hathaway playing Catwoman and a bald asthma patient as a villain that no one understands. I realize with just two months before my movie comes out, that I may have pulled an M. Night Shyamalan on this one."

Nolan and Bale both ended our interview when their totems stopped spinning and fell on the table. Realizing they were in fact awake and not in a dream within a dream they both apologized for their actions.