After a brief hiatus, the writers of The Daily Fakester are back!
Tuesday May 29th, 2012
Apple to use low resolution screen on new iPhone
After numerous rumors around the web have surfaced about a different screen for the upcoming iPhone, Apple CEO Tim Cook, has released a statement.
"I'd like to dispel rumors upfront about the new iPhone. In the past, Steve Jobs liked to keep things secret, allowing rumors to get out of control. A couple years ago we saw videos of a fake iPhone with a holographic keyboard." He continues "Rather than disappoint our hopeless minions, I'd like to be upfront and say that the new iPhone's screen will not be bigger. It will be the same size. Also, we are decreasing the resolution".
During an interview with Cook about his statement he revealed more information:
Us: So Tim, why decrease screen resolution when your competitors are stepping it up?
Cook: Well, two reasons. 1) People will buy anything we sell as long as we market it like it's unquestionably the best thing ever, and 2) Because we've found that people are just overwhelmed by having millions of pixels on a screen. That's just too many.
Us: Tim, can you tell us how many pixels will be used?
Cook: We're going with a traditional 2x2 format. So that's a total of 4 pixels!
Us: Tim, are you serious?
Cook: Yes, I'm totally serious.
Us: Wow.
Cook: People will have four different blocks on their screen, each block with be a different color for a different app. So all you have to do is memorize which application is which color. Let's say you click on the "Contacts" app. You'll be taken to a list screen with, you guessed it, four blocks, ranging in color. So as long as you have your friends memorized by color, you'll easily be able to call them.
Us: How will things like Photo, video, and web viewing work?
Cook: We at Apple have always found that no matter how limited our products are, people find a way to work with them for some reason.
Us: Sounds incredible! I cannot wait to experience this myself. Any idea what the cost might be?
Cook: We're ridiculously excited to announce the cost. You're going to be blown away by how low cost this product is. The cost was 98 cents for us to build each phone. So by the time it gets to you, the consumer, you'll be paying only $299.99 for the 4MB version, and $399.99 for the 5MB version.
Us: We're simply stunned. Another innovation from Apple.
Yes it's true. Apple has done it again. In a mere fifty years we can all expect to have absolutely no personality or thinking capacity at all!
