Apple's New iPhone (a.k.a. iPhone 5 or 6 or the new iPhone)

After a brief hiatus, the writers of The Daily Fakester are back!

Tuesday May 29th, 2012

Apple to use low resolution screen on new iPhone

After numerous rumors around the web have surfaced about a different screen for the upcoming iPhone, Apple CEO Tim Cook, has released a statement.

"I'd like to dispel rumors upfront about the new iPhone. In the past, Steve Jobs liked to keep things secret, allowing rumors to get out of control. A couple years ago we saw videos of a fake iPhone with a holographic keyboard." He continues "Rather than disappoint our hopeless minions, I'd like to be upfront and say that the new iPhone's screen will not be bigger. It will be the same size. Also, we are decreasing the resolution".

During an interview with Cook about his statement he revealed more information:

Us: So Tim, why decrease screen resolution when your competitors are stepping it up?

Cook: Well, two reasons. 1) People will buy anything we sell as long as we market it like it's unquestionably the best thing ever, and 2) Because we've found that people are just overwhelmed by having millions of pixels on a screen. That's just too many.

Us: Tim, can you tell us how many pixels will be used?

Cook: We're going with a traditional 2x2 format. So that's a total of 4 pixels!

Us: Tim, are you serious?

Cook: Yes, I'm totally serious.

Us: Wow.

Cook: People will have four different blocks on their screen, each block with be a different color for a different app. So all you have to do is memorize which application is which color. Let's say you click on the "Contacts" app. You'll be taken to a list screen with, you guessed it, four blocks, ranging in color. So as long as you have your friends memorized by color, you'll easily be able to call them.

Us: How will things like Photo, video, and web viewing work?

Cook: We at Apple have always found that no matter how limited our products are, people find a way to work with them for some reason. 

Us: Sounds incredible! I cannot wait to experience this myself. Any idea what the cost might be?

Cook: We're ridiculously excited to announce the cost. You're going to be blown away by how low cost this product is. The cost was 98 cents for us to build each phone. So by the time it gets to you, the consumer, you'll be paying only $299.99 for the 4MB version, and $399.99 for the 5MB version.

Us: We're simply stunned. Another innovation from Apple. 

Yes it's true. Apple has done it again. In a mere fifty years we can all expect to have absolutely no personality or thinking capacity at all!

A Look Back at a Productive Presidency

Written by Jane Doeadeer- Thursday May 3rd, 2012

"I told you I could aim a gun at the president
and not get tackled!"

With election time coming up many have their minds set on who they want to choose as the next president of the United States. We here at Fayke Nooz couldn't care less, but we figure we can use this time to reflect on the president of the united states productivity this past term. Take a look at  these photos of the President's greatest moments...

North Korea says, "stop making fun of our missiles!"

You can't tell me you wont see this coming in the sky?

Written by Ware Waldo -May 2, 2012

North Korea has released a statement today demanding that people, "stop making fun of our missiles! We have read the different comments posted on the Internet such as 'Look at those weapons of bad construction.' We told you before that we can annihilate you all in 4 minutes, well, now we will do it in 2 minutes and 45 seconds. Keep talking and we will shave off those 45 seconds!"

New Political Party On The Rise

Although the current election will most likely be between a Republican and a Democrat, a new political party is on the rise for the next election cycle. They're calling themselves "Republicats"

Jim Morrison, the leader of the movement said this "We believe that all Americans are getting really tired of the constant bickering between the two existing parties. Then there's all these sectarian factions within these parties. It's all getting too confusing. What Americans need is a simple political path. That's why we mixed the two existing parties into one called, The Republicats"

Colorado Bear Attempts Public Suicide

Monday April 30th, 2012
Written by Ryan Pumper Nickle

In Boulder Colorado on April 25th , a teenage brown bear attempted to take his own life by jumping from a tree near a college campus. The story is as follows.

"Ro-oh"

At approximately 12:35 pm Icesis Awsum, a student from the University of Colorado, took her lunch break off campus. She walked to her usual spot (a tree where Icesis and her boyfriend first played patty cake) to eat her bologna and cheese Lunchable. Taking a seat beneath the tree and sipping her Capri Sun pouch drink, she couldn't help but to notice an odd amount of leaves falling from the branches above her head. Out of curiosity she looked up and was shocked to see what appeared to be a brown bear high up in the tree. Icesis' first thought was to run for her life, but she says, "I just couldn't".