Colorado Bear Attempts Public Suicide

Monday April 30th, 2012
Written by Ryan Pumper Nickle

In Boulder Colorado on April 25th , a teenage brown bear attempted to take his own life by jumping from a tree near a college campus. The story is as follows.

"Ro-oh"

At approximately 12:35 pm Icesis Awsum, a student from the University of Colorado, took her lunch break off campus. She walked to her usual spot (a tree where Icesis and her boyfriend first played patty cake) to eat her bologna and cheese Lunchable. Taking a seat beneath the tree and sipping her Capri Sun pouch drink, she couldn't help but to notice an odd amount of leaves falling from the branches above her head. Out of curiosity she looked up and was shocked to see what appeared to be a brown bear high up in the tree. Icesis' first thought was to run for her life, but she says, "I just couldn't".

She goes on to explain why she stayed. "Of course a person's first thought when they see a bear above their head is to say the F-word or the S-word or some muffled fusion of the two, and then run away. But as I was saying the F-word and positioning my body to flee, I took another look at the bear and realized that something was wrong with it. He was sobbing uncontrollably and breathing heavily. He wouldn't look at me when I called out to him, not even when I offered him the mini Butterfinger from my Lunchable pack. That's when I knew that this bear wasn't just casually hanging out in this tree, he was either afraid of heights or contemplating suicide. I went with contemplating suicide."

Icesis immediately called the police to tell them about the situation. The dispatcher initially laughed at the girl for an uncomfortably long time, then assured her that she would dispatch an officer as soon as possible. As soon as possible was 2 hours later, that's when Officer Baker (pictured above) arrived at the scene. 

Mr. Brown Bear was possibly imitating this scene.

At the time of him arriving animal control had already been contacted and was on the scene for an hour trying to convince the bear to "think about his cubs" in an attempt to get him down safely. Officer Baker described the scene as "chaotic". He continues, "All of us were shouting at the bear trying to get him to come down safely. But no matter what we said he would just respond with 'roaaarrr roaarr roar roaar!'  We assumed that was bear for, 'I don't want to do this anymore, Yogi Bear the movie was a much better movie then critics gave it credit for!'" 

After hours of yelling at the bear and bribing him with a variety of food, the bear gave out one final roar and then jumped. Everyone gasped as he soared through the sky, landing on the mats that had been set up below. Icesis Awsum states, "it all happened so fast and so slow at the same time. Seeing the bear falling to the ground like that was so sad, and at the same time so hilarious that I had to take a photo (seen above). Officer Baker commented, " it was oddly beautiful."

 The two and a half hour ordeal ended with the bear having no injuries. He was admitted to a nearby zoo where he would receive psychiatric help for an assumed obsession with Yogi Bear. He is expected to be released back into the wild in a few weeks. 

What really made this bear attempt to take his own life remains unknown. Was it really due to the bad reviews for the Yogi Bear movie? Is it possible that he was disgruntled about not having enough Charmin toilet paper? Was he simply stuck and was just waiting for a mat to land on?  What do you think?