Circle Brushing Technique Not Most Effective Method

Jerry Seinfeld is an active
Minister in the Anti-Dentite Church

Friday April 27th, 2012

Jerry Seinfeld (anti-dentite) was taken to a dental hospital near his home in the Hamptons last month after a near fatal incident, which Seinfeld claims was caused by circular brushing techniques. Fans of Seinfeld and the public alike were enraged by the incident and many riots broke out in recent weeks.
Mr. Seinfeld expressed that "35 years ago, when I was just a boy, I just felt deep down inside of me that something was wrong with brushing. And that's why I replaced my teeth with horse teeth."

Kevin B. Sands DDS, famous Beverly Hills Cosmetic Dentist, most famous for his work on Steve Buscemi (pictured right) an avid opposer of the Circular Brushing technique decided it was time to get the facts on this method.
In an interview with Stuck! In Your Teeth Magazine, he explains the process of studying the Circular Brushing method, now deemed to be the most effective way to brush your teeth.

"We needed to get as much information as possible" says Sands. "We gathered people from all groups to analyze their brushing habits and techniques. We had circle brushers, up-and-down brushers, side-to-side brushers, and even brushers who mixed the different techniques". He continues "It was very moving to see so many brushers all in the same room, using different techniques and getting along just fine...We analyzed their teeth and the methods very closely. It was very impressive. These people had all mastered their own individual techniques. Almost as if they'd been doing it multiple times a day, for their whole lives". He goes on to note that "we got dental records and took our own images and what we found was very shocking".

Warning. The following may surprise and upset you. We do not recommend that any adults under the age of adulthood (the age of majority) continue reading without adult supervision of adults that have reached the age of majority (adulthood).


"We found that 100% of people who brushed using the circular brushing method" Seriously, we do not recommend continued reading "will someday die! And that it didn't make a difference which brushing method is used. The teeth all looked the same."


Jerry Seinfeld held a press conference to respond to the results of the research.
He incited the crowd that gathered to form an angry mob by encouraging them to chant "2-4-6-8 you ain't got no alibi! You ugly! You ugly!" When an innocent passerby mentioned to Mr. Seinfeld that he was "saying the chant wrong", Mr. Seinfeld bit his head off with his horse-like teeth.

Yesterday morning, Mr. Sands woke up with a bloody, decapitated Jerry Seinfeld head laying next to him on his mattress. His head was placed there as an attempt at cruel irony, and as a poorly thought out reference to the 1972 Marlon Brando Film, The Godfather. We attempted to reach Marlon Brando (deceased) but our calls were not returned.
Jerry Seinfeld's head called us to spread his message and said "I hope that Mr. Sands and the other 2 out of 3 dentist will reconsider the position on Crest Toothpaste and finally stop recommending that we brush in circles.
Mr. Seinfeld's body did not immediately return our calls for comment.