Man Feels Being Mac Owner Makes Him Better Person

Wednesday April 25th, 2012

Steve Jobs seen here accepting the fact that he's "better than others"

Gregory White of Salt Lake City, Utah and Doctor of Psychology says that
"being a Mac owner means that I'm smarter than people who use PCs". He says that these claims are founded on universally accepted facts. He lists some of these facts in an article published by Mac Mad Magazine where he says "1) Mac commercials. They're better than commercials for PCs. 2) Talk to any Mac owner, you can tell by their false sense of entitlement that they're better people. 3) Mac is just a cooler name than PC. 4) Just look at us. You can tell by the way we look down our nose at other people, including other Mac owners, that we're smarter, wealthier, and all around better".

New iPad Isn't So Hot (Except For It Is)

Consumers are reporting that "The New iPad" (as Apple is calling it even though everyone else calls it "iPad 3") is not really any better than their last iPad.

John and Dee "Cash-Bags" Anderson of Richtown, California said that they "can't tell the difference" between the first generation iPad and the new iPad when they were handed one of each and asked which one they liked better. John said "I have so much money that it doesn't matter if these things are different. I'll take one of each". He then offered our source "five thousand big ones" for the iPads because he reportedly "doesn't know the actual worth of anything".

When prompted to find any difference between the two products John and Dee Anderson eventually held the screens three inches away from their eyeballs and reported "Wow. Now that I hold them this close to my eyeballs, I can tell that this is a bad idea". They never reported any difference between the screen resolution on the products which is the only discernible difference.

Tim Cook enjoys long walks on the beach,
spending time with his children and swimming
in his vault of gold like Scrooge Mcduck

Apple CEO Tim "Not-a-jerk-like-Steve-Jobs-but-I'll-still-fire-you-if-you-cross-me-peon!" Cook recently was quoted as saying "People will literally buy whatever we tell them to buy. I'm not really sure why. I guess it's because of marketing or something. I don't know. I just go on stage and say what I'm told. They pay me to be smooth, not to know stuff and things". Mr. Cook then went back to playing Angry Birds Space on an iPad that he "could swear was the iPad 3", which was actually the first generation iPad.

In related news, Aliens from planet Jupiter landed on earth today and broke into an Apple Store.