Apple's New iPhone (a.k.a. iPhone 5 or 6 or the new iPhone)

After a brief hiatus, the writers of The Daily Fakester are back!

Tuesday May 29th, 2012

Apple to use low resolution screen on new iPhone

After numerous rumors around the web have surfaced about a different screen for the upcoming iPhone, Apple CEO Tim Cook, has released a statement.

"I'd like to dispel rumors upfront about the new iPhone. In the past, Steve Jobs liked to keep things secret, allowing rumors to get out of control. A couple years ago we saw videos of a fake iPhone with a holographic keyboard." He continues "Rather than disappoint our hopeless minions, I'd like to be upfront and say that the new iPhone's screen will not be bigger. It will be the same size. Also, we are decreasing the resolution".

During an interview with Cook about his statement he revealed more information:

Us: So Tim, why decrease screen resolution when your competitors are stepping it up?

Cook: Well, two reasons. 1) People will buy anything we sell as long as we market it like it's unquestionably the best thing ever, and 2) Because we've found that people are just overwhelmed by having millions of pixels on a screen. That's just too many.

Us: Tim, can you tell us how many pixels will be used?

Cook: We're going with a traditional 2x2 format. So that's a total of 4 pixels!

Us: Tim, are you serious?

Cook: Yes, I'm totally serious.

Us: Wow.

Cook: People will have four different blocks on their screen, each block with be a different color for a different app. So all you have to do is memorize which application is which color. Let's say you click on the "Contacts" app. You'll be taken to a list screen with, you guessed it, four blocks, ranging in color. So as long as you have your friends memorized by color, you'll easily be able to call them.

Us: How will things like Photo, video, and web viewing work?

Cook: We at Apple have always found that no matter how limited our products are, people find a way to work with them for some reason. 

Us: Sounds incredible! I cannot wait to experience this myself. Any idea what the cost might be?

Cook: We're ridiculously excited to announce the cost. You're going to be blown away by how low cost this product is. The cost was 98 cents for us to build each phone. So by the time it gets to you, the consumer, you'll be paying only $299.99 for the 4MB version, and $399.99 for the 5MB version.

Us: We're simply stunned. Another innovation from Apple. 

Yes it's true. Apple has done it again. In a mere fifty years we can all expect to have absolutely no personality or thinking capacity at all!

New York Butts Dial 911 on Their Owners

Written by Glen Maximus- May 12th, 2012

If you are a New Yorker with a rear end, then you may need to watch your "back". According to a recent report, police stations in the "Big Apple" received close to 4 million calls from people's backsides in 2010.

Frankie Muniz Carrier of Rare Disease

Frankie Muniz at age 29

Doctors have discovered the opposite of the debilitating disease "Progreria" which makes an individual start to age from infancy. Doctors are calling it "Frankie Muniz Disease" after the child star, Frankie Muniz. Doctor Symbian Belle of Cambridge said "We thought it was fitting to name the disease after Mr. Muniz since some people doubt he will ever age".

Mickey Mouse Shot in Rhode Island Airport

May 9, 2012-Written by Tlaw Yensid

Mickey Mouse was shot and arrested yesterday evening after trying to smuggle gun parts past airport security in Rhode Island.

Mickey was not alone. He was accompanied by two other accomplices: a teddy bear known as "Boris Bad Bear" (a.k.a. B.B.B.), and Mickey's older brother Oswald the Rabbit. Mickey was found carrying a firing pin. Waldo had two .40 caliber magazines and B.B.B had the rest of the parts. They were caught, one after the other, pulling the different components of the gun out of their over sized animated shoes. They attempted to assemble the gun in time to shoot the airport security staff before approaching the metal detectors.

Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale Hated the Avengers

May 11th, 2012-  Written by Muslim Bale

The Avengers opened this past weekend to rave reviews and broke box office records when it raked in $207.1 million. Fans and critics alike have praised the execution of this heavily anticipated film. Roger Ebert even stated in his review "The Avengers has done for me what medication couldn't and now my love life is back on track. Yeah, it was that good and yeah, I am that old." 

However, despite it's critical acclaim there remains at least two individuals who are not impressed. Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale saw The Avengers together opening night and were quite upset.

Microsoft's New Xbox Deal Takes Advantage of Idiots

May 10th, 2012- Written by Tron

D.M.V's worst nightmare.

If it's been your deep-seated desire to look like an idiot in front of your TV, while simultaneously flailing your limbs around in attempt to make a virtual version of yourself kick a virtual soccer ball, than you are in luck. The new Xbox 360 Kinect Bundle will now be sold for a mere $99 along with 24 easy payments of $15.

Microsoft has decided to imitate major phone companies by selling the Xbox 360 for $99 up front, and then requiring the customer to sign up for a 2 year contract costing $15 a month. Our mathematician, Adam Mup,  busted out and dusted off his eighth grade calculator to calculate how much money Microsoft will be grabbing from people who take this deal.

Missing Plane Still Taking on Passengers

Russian Passenger Plane
unaware of what a bad day its about to have.

May 10th, 2012 - Written by Jack Locke

A new Russian-made passenger plane went missing over mountains in western Indonesia while on a demonstration flight for potential buyers. What is more mysterious than the sudden disappearance of this plane is that the passenger count on board continues to rise. 

The Irish Times in their initial report stated that there were 44 passengers on the plane when it vanished. The Herald Sun reported this:

Scientist Discover That Sci-Fi Movies Are Right

Biologists have confirmed finding life on Mars.

Recently, old sets of data from an earlier mission to the planet Mars were reviewed. The biologists studying the data revealed early Wednesday morning that they have indeed confirmed the existence of life on Mars as a result of the revisitation of this data. The interesting part about this, is that it confirms a theory that science fiction movies and TV shows have been trying to support for many years...

Ann Romney's $1k Shirt

Late Sunday night Ann Romney held a press conference to discuss her social faux pas - the $990 shirt that she wore when she appeared on a Television interview.

Ann Romney explains that it has "all been a big misunderstanding" when she says:

Mr.Owl Dies at Age of 72

May 4, 2012- Written By James Cluber

Mr. Owl (most commonly known for his role in Tootsie Pop commercials and..... thats about it) died today at the age of 72. 

Mr. Owl, whose real name is Shabash Owlsomus III, started his career as an entertainer at the age of 30. His first job was on the first Tootsie Pop commercial that aired back in 1970 where a naked boy walked around the forest talking to animals about a sucker. Owlsomus was orginally casted as the second animal that the boy approached in the forest. However, an incident that happened off set led to him recieving the role which he has become famous for today.

Facebook Goes Political

According to our source at the Executive Branch of the White House, the coming Presidential election will be hosted by Facebook rather than the traditional paper ballot.

The Zuck himself with the first lady

Mark Zuckerburg made the official announcement yesterday at a press conference.

New Law Makes Certain Acronyms Illegal

Senator Gerald Ford (R) of Utah passed a law yesterday that makes use of the popular acronym LOL illegal if used incorrectly. He explains the reason he signed off on the law in an interview with the AP "Basically, I'm really tired of getting textual transmissions (text messages) from my daughters that say 'LOL' when I know that they aren't really laughing. It's misleading".

Obama's Actual Birth Place Stirs Controversy

Many remember when Barack Obama's birthplace was called into question. Donald Trump, the real estate tycoon, famously asked to see President Obama's birth certificate as proof that he was born within the borders of the 50 States, and thus, legally able to become the . The truth about Obama's birthplace will shock all but the most savvy observers.

Stereotypes Now "Fair Game" in Florida

50mph+No hands+Ice= This guy

Written by Roger Roger
Saturday May 5th, 2012

If you are Asian or a woman, then you have probably been told that you do not drive very well. If you are black you have probably been expected to have serious basketball skills, a fondness for fried chicken, and a love of rap music. If you are white you have probably been considered to be stuck up, a prude, or (depending on where you live) a red neck. Are you Hispanic? Then you have probably been expected to have a lot of people living under one roof or car and have heard a joke or two about green cards...

Canned Laughter Banned From New Sitcoms

Breaking news:
Another one of Mom's expensive, irreplaceable vases have been broken.


In other news, after many years of protests, canned laughter has now been banned from use on all future sitcoms.

The group leading the protests since The Hank McCune Show first used the gimmick in the 1950s is the VACLFMR (Viewers against canned laughter for moral reasons)...

Titanic 2 to Set Sail in Both the Sea and the Theater

Friday May 4th, 2012
Written by Jack Dawson

This past April 15th marked the 100th year anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. In commemoration of this historical event, Australian Billionaire (yes, Australia has billionaires) Clive Palmer has announced plans of building a modern version of the original Liner. The ship will be built with the exact same dimensions and design with updated technology on board. When asked about the number of life boats that would be on board he laughed and said " I want to keep it as faithful to the original as possible, so don't expect there to be enough life boats for everyone. But not to worry, the ship is going to be more unsinkable than the first one, I promise."...

Mythbusters Myth Busted

Friday May 4th, 2012
The somehow popular Discovery Channel , Mythbusters, may have it's own myth busted. A recent completely unnecessary poll was conducted. 20,000 people who identified themselves as "avid TV watchers" participated...

A Look Back at a Productive Presidency

Written by Jane Doeadeer- Thursday May 3rd, 2012

"I told you I could aim a gun at the president
and not get tackled!"

With election time coming up many have their minds set on who they want to choose as the next president of the United States. We here at Fayke Nooz couldn't care less, but we figure we can use this time to reflect on the president of the united states productivity this past term. Take a look at  these photos of the President's greatest moments...

Study Shows All "Morning People" Addicted to Drugs

An article was published this week in the American Journal of Medicine which studied the causes of the "unrelenting chipper attitude" that some individuals display so annoyingly. The study shows that most of these individuals are known by themselves or their peers as a "morning person".

Dr. Alia Shawkat says "We all really hate the chronic morning person that sits at the desk next to us. I mean, who in their right mind is happy in the morning. It just doesn't make sense". She adds "the morning is absolutely the worst time of the day. It's the time of the day when you look ahead and realize there's all these things that you need to accomplish, and you don't really want to. This feeling is debilitating for 99% of people"...

"K" is Officially Considered a Complete Sentence

Tuesday May 1st, 2012

Remember when you were taught as a child that Pluto was a planet? Remember when you were told it wasn't? Well, now, another blow to your elementary school education has occurred...

North Korea says, "stop making fun of our missiles!"

You can't tell me you wont see this coming in the sky?

Written by Ware Waldo -May 2, 2012

North Korea has released a statement today demanding that people, "stop making fun of our missiles! We have read the different comments posted on the Internet such as 'Look at those weapons of bad construction.' We told you before that we can annihilate you all in 4 minutes, well, now we will do it in 2 minutes and 45 seconds. Keep talking and we will shave off those 45 seconds!"

New Political Party On The Rise

Although the current election will most likely be between a Republican and a Democrat, a new political party is on the rise for the next election cycle. They're calling themselves "Republicats"

Jim Morrison, the leader of the movement said this "We believe that all Americans are getting really tired of the constant bickering between the two existing parties. Then there's all these sectarian factions within these parties. It's all getting too confusing. What Americans need is a simple political path. That's why we mixed the two existing parties into one called, The Republicats"

Rainn Wilson Discusses Office Spin-off

Written by Ybnet Tirw
Tuesday May 1st, 2012

Exclusive: A new show called The Farm, a spin-off from the hit TV show The Office, will be coming in 2013. The show will star Rainn Wilson continuing his role as Dwight Schrute. The focus of the sitcom will be on his daily life on a beet farm that he owns with his slightly retarded brother named Mose.